What my mental illness has taught me *trigger warnings for overdose and suicide attempts*

 

 

Hello my Phat friends! If you are new here then welcome to my blog. If you’re a regular visitor than you may regret that decision.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share this part of me with you guys as I don’t talk about my mental health on here. I have previously stated that I want to be honest with you guys, so I decided to share my story in hopes others wouldn’t feel alone.

This post is going to be very personal. January 26, 2019  was the 2nd anniversary of my overdose on prescription anti psychotics. I will be sharing my journey starting Nov 2015.

It all came to a head November 2015

 

Nov 2015:

I was working fulltime as a daily living assistant at Shannex. I could tell my mental health was starting to deplete but I just figured I would ignore it and it would go away.  Well in reality that’s not how mental illness works. Nov 22 I went for a appointment with a psychiatrist. This being my first time ever going I didn’t know what to expect. After asking loads of questions they told me they thought I suffered from depression, anxiety and PTSD. There suggestion was for me to take some time off work and try and get my bearings straight.

After that I was put on sick leave for 15 weeks. December 2015 went by in a blur. I would Skype my Dad every day and we would talk for about 3 hours (he was in the Netherlands, while I was in Canada). I cant even tell you what happened the last month of 2015, all I know is I was very out of it. In January 2016 I had my first appt with a psychiatrist. He spent a good 2 hours asking me questions and going over my life (what I would tell him anyway). He diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder.

*So for those keeping track that makes anxiety, depression,PTSD and borderline personality disorder*

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At this point I had also admitted that I was hearing voices (mostly suicidal ones). So he put me on antipsychotics to help with the voices. (I was also taking antidepressants).

At the end of May I went back to Shannex and resigned my job. At this point in my life I just knew I couldn’t mentally work. I moved from my sick leave straight to employment insurance, I figured if nothing else it would at least provide a pay cheque till November.  By the time June, 2016 came I was hearing multiple voices, some friendly while others were suicidal. (I even had one female voice who would make lists of things that started with “B”) (buttons, brocolli,  blueberries,  things like that. )

I started going to the hospital more for the voices and just feeling unsafe. It was a constant battle. I started going to Belmont house (community mental health) a couple times a week to talk with a social worker.

By then I was really getting frustrated. I was on so much medication to just get by that I basically was like a walking zombie. I literally couldn’t function.

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From bad to worse

As the months went by nothing changed. I was still seeing the social worker and my psychiatrist on a regular basis.  Jan 26, 2017 I went back to my psychiatrist and told him that nothing had changed. His response shocked me. He asked me if I was using street drugs. I abruptly said no (as I have never done drugs in my life). After that he told me he couldn’t help me anymore and not to come back.

I felt so abandoned and hopeless, I was a burden on my husband and family and it looked like I would never get better. So I did the only thing I thought would help. I went home and just started popping a bunch of meds. After I had done this I felt extremely guilty and told my husband. We then called Mobile crisis who told us to go to emerge.

The hospital had me on heart monitors and I was under constant watch of the social worker. I stayed overnight and till the evening the next day. The only reason the hospital let me go was because my husband came to pick me up.

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After this my husband hide my drugs and razors. And I started to be seen at the psychiatric hospital.

In February 2017 I started doing homecare again but it didn’t last long. My mental health just wasn’t where it should be to hold down a job. In April 2017 I started blogging remotely. This allowed me to do as much or as little work as I wanted. Plus I was getting extremely bored sitting at home doing nothing.

By now I was hearing a new alarming voice. One that told me to kill my husband. When this happened we abruptly went to the emerge. I was interviewed for what seemed like hours (it was actually 2 hours) and sent home. I started going to the emerge almost every 2 weeks because of the thoughts I was having.

In April 2018 I went back to college. It was only 4 hours a day and I thought it would be good for me. But the thoughts continued and I was still going to emerge frequently. On my 30th birthday I started hearing 3 new voices., so I went back to emerge.

I’m happy to say that that was my last hospital visit. I started working fulltime mon-fri as a cleaner and strangely the voices stopped. I haven’t heard a voice since September 2018 and it feels amazing. Now I’ve been at my cleaning job over 4 months. Its great to have a income again and to not have to worry about how bills will be paid. I still go to therapy once a month just to make sure everything is good.

I still have mental health issues but I have learned (and continue to learn) how to deal with it. Currently I am waiting to get into DBT therapy.  (Teaches you how to manage your emotions).  Till then I am just going to work, socializing with people and for once in my life taking time for myself.  Guys self care is so important.

Well I hope this doesn’t scare anyone off from reading my blog. I just felt like I had to be honest with you

*side note, the sicker I got, the longer my hair got*

* October 2019 update*

Hello my Phat friends. This post was written over 2 years ago so I thought I should give a current update.

The last couple months have been pretty good, I occasionally hear voices but try to do things to distract myself till they go away.

I still have not been back to the hospital for anything mental health related. I do still feel suicidal but am trying to work on things that fuel my passions.

Last week I went for the info session and signed up for the dbt course. Of course like everything else health related there is a waitlist but I am on it. 🙂

If you feel okay with sharing your mental health stories I’d love to hear it. We are in this together. Please know you are never actually alone.

 

Till next time

Tanya xoxo

 

Top 10 things I am grateful for

Top 10 things I am grateful for

 

Hello my Phat friends! I know it has been a while since I last posted and for that I apologize. This weekend in Canada (where I live) is Thanksgiving weekend. So in the spirit of Thanksgiving I thought it would be appropriate to do a gratitude post.  This post will go over the top 10 things I am grateful for.  Without further ado let’s get started  😉

 

1) My Husband.  I had to put my husband as #1 otherwise I’d never hear the end of it. Lol. Yes he can try my patience sometimes but he has always supported me in what I wanted to do. He loves me unconditionally, which is greatly appreciated.

2) Duffey (my cat).  I would have put my fur baby as #1 but ya know. Talk about unconditional love, animals do not care what you look like or what skeletons you may have in your closet. They just want to love you. Duffey is always there for me when I need some comfort.

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3) Being Canadian. No, I am not trying to start a debate on what country is better. I mean I’m happy to live in a country where I can express myself, vote, and have free health care (even though the Canadian medical system is a joke).

4) Stable job.  In recent years I’ve lost about 7ish jobs due to my mental health. Is cleaning my dream job? *snorts* ya, nope. But I have been working in the same place for over a year now, the hours are great and the people for the most part are really nice.

5) Fall (Autumn) mornings. Fall is my favorite season. I leave for work around 6:25 am (I walk) and it is nice and crisp and smells fantastic. Sweater weather, I’m here for it.

6) Princess Lacey.  Princess Lacey is a VERY sweet female cat I see almost daily either on my way to work or from work. She really is a sweet old soul. She is so easy going, loves to cuddle and is just so chill

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7) Plus size clothing stores. This should go without saying seeing as this is a plus size blog, and yes, fat people need clothes too. It’s a great feeling to walk into a store and not feel judged. The first time I walked into Penningtons the woman working there told me how small I was (I literally wore the smallest size) lol. They were friendly and not once have they judged me. Since then I’ve moved up in size (pretty much a 2x) and they are still just as fantastic.

8) Hot beverages. Its no secret I live for herbal tea. But come Fall I also live for Hot chocolate and pumpkin spice lattes. Nomnomnom. Starbucks sees me coming and just sees dollar signs. Haha. But honestly I go to Starbucks once every 6-8 weeks or when I see my hair salon.

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9) Books. I love to read, in any form. Whether it be a physical book, ebook or audiobook. Audiobooks are more tricky for me because I get turned off very easily by narrating.

10) My Dad and my brother. Its embarrassing to say as a 31 year old but my Dad and my younger (more responsible) brother have helped me out a lot!. The end of 2015 saw my mental health come crashing down and since then they have offered assistance when needed. I’m very lucky to have them.

 

Well those are just 10 things I’m grateful for. Some are more simple than others. What are some things you are grateful for? Let me know in the comments below.

If you enjoy my content and want to see more don’t forget to subscribe  ;-).

Till next time

Tanya xoxo

Let’s do it! My experience with periods

Time to talk periods

Hello my Phat friends! Glad to have you back and if this is your first time visiting then welcome to my blog.  Today’s post is about something extremely natural that a lot of people find “icky” and refuse to talk about it. Today’s post is about “the elmo”, “your rag” , “your flow” “your period aka menstrual cycle”.  So for people who get disgusted easily this post is about uterus blood. Take that as you will.

Okay, so it’s no secret that heavier people tend to have heavier menstrual cycles. Let’s face it, you cant be this fabulous without having a curse every now and again.

This is just ridiculous!

I’d like to talk about how ridiculous  pad sizes have become. I honestly don’t know who they make these for. I have the cycle from Hell so naturally I bought heavy pads, they were tiny.

The average woman is a size 14, so if they are not making pads for the “average woman” just who are they making them for? Before someone points it out I also realize that not just women have periods, it also includes members of the trans community, non binary, gender fluid and those who do not gender identify.

When did it all start?

I started my period very young, I was 9. Yes, it sucked. I remember running to and from the house to the bathroom because I didn’t know why this was happening. I wasn’t scared or grossed out, just mostly confused.

I didn’t learn till a year later what it was…. ya, I hid that fucker for a year. Thinking about that now it seems pretty nuts.

I would get severe cramping and back pain. It was horrible.

I always loved the commercials they had for menstrual products. It would have some woman running through a feild a flowers because apparently that’s what people who are on their period do.

Or how they always wear white bottoms, whether it’s a skirt, pants or shorts.  I steer clear of white clothes on a regular day, I most definitely will NOT wear white bottoms while on my period.

Yes, this really happened

So to build on the above paragraphs I have always had a very heavy menstrual cycle. In grade 5 (on picture day I might add) I stupidly thought it would be a fantastic idea to wear all white.  Yes, I had my period, and to make things worse I never noticed.

Just to paint a picture here, white jeans, blood all over the ass, and obviously the front. At that time I did not willingly use public restrooms (unless it was a emergency), so naturally not having peed all day I never noticed that my white jeans were covered in blood.

It actually was not brought to my attention till after school. Yep…….. I went all day with blood soaked white jeans.

Naturally the jeans didn’t survive and were thrown out and I never made the mistake of wearing white jeans ever again!

Let me know down in the comments if you have any cringe worthy period stories. If you enjoy my content don’t forget to subscribe  🙂

 

Till next time

Tanya  xoxo

My experiences with fat shaming

My experiences with fat shaming

 

Hello my friends! I realize it has been a hot minute since I last posted and for that I apologize. I refuse to give you excuses,  I never want to lie to you guys or come off as fake.

If you are new to this blog then welcome! I am a “free spirit” when it comes to writing to you have been warned. If you’re a repeat visitor than thank you for your support.

In today’s post Im going to be talking about my experiences with fat shaming. I know a lot of people can relate to this, so if you have a personal story (and are open to it) please share it in the comments below.

In the beginning

I was always very thin as a child, so much so that it caused concern among some teachers at the schools I attended.

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I was also very sick  (I have hydrocephalus).  Weight gain was never something I had to think about, with being very slim it never crossed my mind.

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So what happened?

As I got into my teen years I started gaining weight, naturally this phenomenon tends to come with puberty (yippie).  I went from being very thin to pretty curvy in no time flat.

I was very self conscious about my weight. I remember when I was in grade 5, my teacher was going around the room and asking each student their weight  (ya, odd to me too). At that time I was 115 pounds but when the teacher got to me I remember saying I was 97 pounds. I started separating my food at lunch to make sure I didn’t eat it all. When I entered grade 6 I wasn’t eating my lunches at all. I would just throw them out so my Dad would think I ate them.

I was exceptionally self conscious about having people see me eat. It made me incredibly uncomfortable.  My Dad would weight and measure in height my siblings and I periodically. Once I was in the 120s he stopped weighting me.

I was always very active, I would swim almost every day for 3 hours, go for runs (ya, what a nut job) at 4am, and I would exercise in the basement every evening.  I was pretty intense.

By grade 9 I was 130 pounds and a size 9. I remember going on weight watchers because “I was fat”. Even when I got down to 122 pounds I still wasn’t comfortable. The boy I was obsessed with at the time made a lovely comment. We were sitting outside (about 8 of us) and I laughed and said “oh, my ass is hanging out” to which he replied “that’s not your ass, its your fat”.

That was 15 years ago and I still remember it as if it was yesterday. When I was 16 I gained quite a bit of weight. I went from 122 to 145 pounds, and from there it just kept going up.

When I was visiting my Dad and Step Mom at age 17, I was asked by a family member “how many sodas I drink a day”. This question confused me because it was never asked of my thin sister.  The remarks just kept coming about what I shouldn’t be consuming. It because so severe that I refused to eat in the same room as said family member, because honestly no know wants to be harrassed everytime they put food in their mouth.

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In my 20s I became more “stable” with my body image, although I still received comments like “did you eat lunch?, because you could afford to skip a few”.

Seriously, don’t say that to people. Its extremely hurtful and honestly incredibly rude.

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Even now at 31 I still get it. With recent health issues it was brought up to me by my Dad that they are probably because Im overweight and consume to much sugar.  On a completely related note, my health issues have NOTHING  to do with my body fat. I do NOT have diabetes, high blood pressure or high cholesterol. I am just fat.

I do have low vitamin d and low iron, which has been the cause of my health problems.

With posting this I just want people to know that they are not alone. Its perfectly fine to want to change your body, and its perfectly fine to love it as it is as well.

Let me know some of your fat shaming stories in the comments below. If you enjoy my content I’d love it if you would show your support and subscribe to my blog.

Till next time

Tanya  xoxo

8 ways to practice self love in a world that tells you you’re not enough

Hello my Phat friends! If your are new here then welcome to my little space on the internet. If you’re a repeat reader welcome back!

As you may have guessed by the title  (see above) this post is about different ways you can practice self love and be productive in a world that is constantly telling people that they are not enough.

Just a heads up, some of these suggestions will be cliche, but honestly that is because they have been known to actually help me personally.

Here are 8 ways you can practice self love and in some cases be productive as well.

 

 

1.  Take a shower or bath.  (Yes, it’s cliche but being clean always helps me feel better)

2. Do a face mask. A detox or hydration mask are perfect for times like this. Plus, who doesn’t love healthy looking skin?

3. Read a book. Have a book you’ve been wanting to read a book thats just sitting on your shelf? Have you been eyeing a certain ebook online? (I’m looking at you Mind hunter). Then treat yourself and read that damn book!

4.  Enjoy a hot beverage. I don’t know about you guys but I find herbal tea so relaxing.  (Ask my husband, I have at least 20 different kinds of it in the cupboard).

5.  Clean out your inbox.  Cleaning out my emails makes me feel highly productive.

6. While you’re cleaning out your inbox why not respond to all those emails?  I know some people let their emails pile up so why not conquer that pile, and respond to those emails.

6. Cook something new. If you’re anything like my husband than your go to is chicken fingers and fries. Why not take this chance to try something out of your comfort zone? Seen a recipe online that you thought looked amazing? Than give it a try!

7.  Organize your closet.  I know how mornings can be, rush, rush, rush. Why not give yourself a hand and have some outfits already set up?. Live in a place that gets seasonal conditions? Than organize your closet accordingly. With Autumn around the corner it will be sweater time.

8.  Watch a movie or new show. Have you been eyeing that new movie on Netflix? Have a show you’ve been wanting to watch? Why not give it a go. You may actually enjoy it.

 

xx Tanya

Why are people still defining gender roles?

Hello my Phat friends! Welcome back (or for the first time) to my little space on the internet. Today’s post may offend some people so just putting a warning out there.  If you are head strong into gender roles than this post is definitely not for you.

OMG……. Can you hear that? Its my eyes rolling. I can not believe that in 2019 people are still defining gender roles. All that blue is boys and pink is for girls shit.  I can’t, I just can’t. I feel like my eyes are literally going to fall out of my head from all the rolling.

Not to say that girls cant enjoy pink and boys enjoy blue but there is an entire rainbow out there people.  As I previously stated it is 2019 and people should be well aware that people identify differently. Not everyone identifies as a boy or a girl and that is perfectly okay. I support your gender identity 100%.

So to explain, this sudden rage was brought on by a incredibly stupid Pinterest pin about little plaques made for baby showers that said something stupid such as “boys are noise and dirt” and “girls are glitter and some other stereotypical bullshit”.

Is that really how people want to raise their children? You’re pretty much just telling them who they are, no self discovery involved.

I honestly thought we had progressed further than that as a race, but obviously I was wrong. I find it incredibly sad that some people can be so shallow.

I thought we were passed the era of boys being doctors and girls being nurses but here we are.  In my place of work there is a woman who in her home they have “pink” and “blue” jobs. An example of a pink job would be doing the dishes, and a example of a blue job would be mowing the lawn.

Yes, you read that correctly. Apparently its the 1950s again where women belong in the kitchen.  *insert 100th eye roll*

What is something that leaves you dumbstruck? What gender stereotypes have you seen or heard about lately?

xx Tanya

What’s with all the fat phobia?

20190824_105755_0000Hello my Phat friends. Welcome to my little spot on the internet, if you are new here I hope my bluntness doesn’t scare you away  ;-).

Todays topic of discussion is fat phobia. If you take a look around it’s not hard to see that we still live in a world where having body fat is frowned upon.  Hollywood hardly casts fat actors, and a lot of the time when they do they are the “comedic relief” ( insert Rebel Wilson here).  Yes they have roles where actors have to gain weight to fit the character, but plus size actors are far and few between.

Let’s take for example the young adult book “Simon vs the homosapiens agenda” by Becki Albertalli. One of the main characters Leah is written to be plus size, when the book was adapted into the movie “Love, Simon” the actress who played Leah was not fat. She did not wear a fat suit or gain weight for the role.

I met Becki (the books author) at a book signing and she brought up that the actress did not have the right body type and just tended to wear a “big” sweater.  Yes, the actress played a great Leah, but she definitely wasn’t plus size.

I don’t know about you guys but I am tired of just having the fat character  be the bad guy, or the comedic relief. I want them to have a journey of self discovery, dominate on the job scene, have a killer sex life and even find love.

Being fat should not just be okay for babies and cute animals. Plus size models are getting more notice lately such as Ashley Graham and Tess Holliday. Ashley is very beautiful but I find she still fits the cookie cutter image or big boobs, hips and small waist.

It seems like being a plus size model is perfectly okay as long as you fit that criteria.  I am tired of seeing “plus size” clothing modeled by people with flat stomachs. Seriously, how many size 16 and up have flat stomachs?. Yes it is more likely with people who are tall but still.

Maybe I am living in a dream land where I have hope for the future and body inclusion but I hope its a world I live to see.

xx Tanya

Things no one tells you about becoming fat

Hello everyone! And welcome to my little space on the internet. For me blog post ideas just randomly pop into my head at very inconvenient times, like when I’m sleeping in the middle of the night, or better yet, when I’m at work.

I work in a very high security building so no cell phones allowed. Most of the time when I leave work I have forgotten my idea. Lol. But that’s my life!

Today I thought I would go over some of the things that no one tells you about becoming fat. (Yes, here in my little space on the internet the word “fat” is used).

One of the first things I noticed when I had to start buying plus size clothing was how ugly it was! This was 2007 so yes, fashion has moved forward abit. But that being said a lot of plus size clothing is ill fitted (seriously, why do designers think we want to wear a tent?). Or it came in ugly colors. Beige…. just beige. Ya, no!. Or how long the shirts were.

I use the term “shirts” loosely because these seriously could have been dresses. I’m not sure why some clothing designers think that just because you have body fat, you want to hide your body. I don’t know about you guys but I prefer my clothing to actually fit me. Just like how you wouldn’t wear a LG if you were a SM.

I didn’t realize how much more plus size clothing cost. Even if you are only going up one size, once you hit the “plus size section” clothing always costs more.

Just a little pet peeve here, seeing cute clothes in regular sizes but not in plus size. This has always bugged me. I don’t understand why once you are bigger than a XL (LG in some cases) your clothing choices become minimal.

I wasn’t prepared for the looks I would get in restaurants for ordering something that was not a salad. You just know what the server is thinking if you choose to order dessert. “OMG, she’s eating dessert?”

Or, the judgement from family members. I have been told quite a few times things such as “do you know how many calories are in that?”. Or random questions such as “how much soda do you drink a day” As I have my first one all week. Questions my trim sister would never get.

Another clothing related thing I noticed was how much it hurts to wear heels. (Weight distribution and all that jazz).

Sweating, that’s fun. I tend to get low blood sugar quite a lot so I am basically always sweating to some degree. It’s gross. (I have hypoglycemia, NOT diabetes). I’ve had low blood sugar issues for quite a few years.

Periods. I have always had horrible cycles, but once I gained weight it became so much worse. Think Niagara Falls. (Sorry for the mental image there).

On the note of menstruation, feminine hygiene products. The bigger the product (be it pads or tampons) the less you get in a box and the more expensive it is.

For buying feminine hygiene products I highly suggest getting them from a bulk foods store (like Costco if you are in Canada). I know different countries have different bulk stores to shop at.

My only issue with getting products there is the lack of selection. A lot of the time they just tend to just have “regular” in size. Seriously, who are those made for? They are tiny!.

Well that’s enough of me jabbering. Till next time 🙂

Xoxo Tanya

Let’s talk about sex

Let’s talk about sex!

Oh yes my blog loving friends, you read that right. Todays blog is indeed about sex. What’s that you ask? Do fat people really have sex? Let me answer that in plain terms. “Yes, yes we do”.

It’s a known fact that’s lots of people, regardless of age, gender, race or weight enjoy getting some sexual pleasure. I know the thought of people with body fat having sex may be a turn off to a lot of people but it really does happen! For a lot of people sex is empowering. It gives people a safe place to act out their fantasies.
Lately I’ve been obsessed with the song S&M by Rihanna. It’s severely catchy and incredibly empowering. She covers S&M topics and fetishes that are known as “taboo” and not really spoken about in public. I love it.
People with body fat having sex may be louder and sweatier (speaking from experience) but it is just as enjoyable. Expressing your sexuality is not a bad thing. When I was a teen (at 122 pounds) I rocked a short plaid skirt and fishnet stockings. And before you ask, yes my boyfriend was very happy with it, lol.
People get a lot of shade for expressing their sexuality. Whether its with their clothing, makeup, sexual preferences. It’s a shame. Sex is something that is suppose to be enjoyable. As long as it is Consensual then anything goes.

So enjoy your fat, sweaty, loud, fetish sex. You deserve it!

Let’s talk plus size assumptions

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Hello, I know it has been a hot minute since my last post, I am really trying to be more consistent.

Today I would like to address something I’m sure all plus size, curvy (or yes, fat) people have had to deal with. I’m going to call it the “plus size assumptions”

For example: All plus size people are lazy. For some its true, but that being said I know plenty of skinny lazy people. This may shock you (prepare to be horrified) but some fat people actually exercise. This may hurt to hear but it is possible to exercise and have body fat.

Example 2- All plus size, curvy and fat people eat bad foods. Again for some this is true, but that being said I know a very thin woman who lives off pop tarts and Pepsi. I eat mainly fruits and salads and I’m fat. I work with some vegans who eat healthy, go to the gym everyday and yes, still have body fat.

Just because you are fat it doesn’t mean you are lazy or eat bad (let’s face it, we all have our bad habits). One person’s ideal or healthy weight may not be the same as yours and that’s okay.

Just throwing this out there because this is how I gained most of my weight but some medications (including fertility), hormone imbalances, crohns disease, amongst others can all cause weight gain. Just because you are/have fat, it does not make you a lazy person. Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and each one is beautiful

Tanya xx